Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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