o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
