Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
