I just threw up on my dentist
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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