I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
