waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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