No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
