I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
wanna go halves on a baby?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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