just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
is it fun? or sober?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
