i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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