Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
