I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
