Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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