she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
