I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
