Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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