it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We're too hungover to prance.
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