he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
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He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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