i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
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I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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