I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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