There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
