so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
