if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
