God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
