I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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