I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
