I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
