Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
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I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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