So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
