my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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