When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
