her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
