Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
