I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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