I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
farters have to be the big spoon...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
