Betty ford says i'm here all night
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
