I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
