WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
