i don't plan on having that self control this summer
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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