Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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