took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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