Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Randomize
