I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
