i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
