I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
