allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
