The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
