My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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