So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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