I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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