She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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