Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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