Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
