I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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