If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
