i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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